Strange and Beautiful

mmmm i'm so.... so glowy.

i've been watching your world from afar;

i've been trying to be where you are;

i've been secretly falling apart, unseen.

to me, you're strange and you're beautiful.

you'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,

you turn every head but you don't see me...

i'll put a spell on you--

you'll fall asleep,

and i'll put a spell on you--

and when i wake you,

i'll be the first thing you see,

and you'll realize that you love me.
sometimes the last thing you want comes in first,

sometimes the first thing you want never comes,

but i know, the waiting is all you can do, sometimes...

i'll put a spell on you--

you'll fall asleep,

and i'll put a spell on you--

and when i wake you,

i'll be the first thing you see,

and you'll realize that you love me.

i'll put a spell on you--

you'll fall asleep,

and i'll put a spell on you--

and when i wake you,

i'll be the first thing you see,

and you'll realize that you love me.

--Strange and Beautiful

a perfect Valentine's Day song, no?

perfect for you and me....

i miss you. ♥

[3:39PM]

so... fuck me. life just got MORE goddamn complicated.

i talked to David on the phone... for like 20 minutes. in that short span of time... i proceeded to have possibly one of the most drawn-out, AWKWARD conversations ever. he kept saying how awkward it was, and i was like, shiiiit. basically, we both have been avoiding each other. pretty hardcore. for the past two or so months. wow. what grade are we in again? jesusss.

maybe this is like the Will Thing. where all, or at least most, of my friends tell me not to do it, but then i do anyway... and love it. for a while... agh, eff. i don't know what i'm gonna do. i mean, it's not even like he asked me out or anything... he just said he needs to figure things out. tomorrow. which, as it turns out, is fucking Valentine's Day. awesome? i guess we'll just see what happens... but i don't want to rush into anything. i won't if i can help it, not ever again. that's what happened with both Swaney and Will, though i knew Swaney for a lot longer before we dated... le sigh.

i don't know what will happen with David, or even if anything will. all i know is that i miss his friendship. before, well, all THAT, he and i had been getting pretty close. we went to the movies once, and honestly? i had a really good time. he's fun and funny to be around, and i enjoyed myself. i remembered all this after i saw the ticket stub from the movie we went to. yes, i keep movie stubs often. anyway, i saw the stub, and i remembered how much fun i had. i liked him, i did! i know i did, and it didn't really matter that some of my friends said it was a bad idea. is it their life? NO. i can make my own damn decisions about who i like. blegh.

i just... i think that our phone conversation opened up a whole new can of worms, and now i'm not so sure that's what i wanted to do... you know? i want to get to know him better still, and if that leads to us dating... well then, so be it, i suppose. i just don't know! ahhh.

well, as if that's not enough crap to endure, there's the Devon Thing. greaaat, right? fucking tell me about it. well, i'll fill you in: Devon began to like me towards the end of last year, he moved here from Texas and was put in the seat next to me in English class... so i befriended him. anyway, basically what happened is that he liked me, and in fact several times pleaded with me (jokingly!) to break up with Will, though i know he did really want me to do it. i said no and didn't, but he persisted in liking me anyway. that's fine, whatever, right?

then summer came along. we hung out at the beach a few times, and we flirted a lot (but never anything more than that, promise). we have this strange chemistry... that i've only had with one (possibly) two other people before him. it was weird, but we just clicked. when i finally did break up with Will, i sort of almost went out with Devon... but then screwed things up in ways that i don't care to explain. i liked him, too, but we never dated. we remained friends, and talked on the phone a lot, for hours at a time.

then this year happened, and he got a girlfriend. he'd had a few before, but this was the first one he cared about enough to keep around for longer than two weeks. (am i making him sound like a jerk? he's not one, fyi.) he really liked this girl, so we decided that to move on we just needed to talk on the phone more, and everything would be fine. things were great for a while-- i would call him when i was driving home from dance and chat with him for the entire duration of my trip. we would talk and laugh, and sparks would seriously fly, i kid you not. i got grounded a little over a month ago, so we didn't talk on the phone anymore, but instead he sat with me sometimes when i had to stay at school by myself for lunch. we got close again, and it was fun. he ate my food and made fun of me for having no friends. haha, great relationship, i know.

but today he came up to me at lunch, and what do you know? the first words out of his mouth are "my girlfriend and i broke up." WHAT. i was shocked, yet secretly a little happy, i'll admit. he didn't get a chance to tell me the story, since said ex was nearby watching him with sad eyes, so he told me he would call me tonight. that was fine until this David business happened. since the two of them happen to be semi-decent friends, who both also happen to like me. effff. aweeeesome situation.

i promised Devon a while ago that if/when he and his girlfriend ended things, i would go to the beach with him. however, now that it's all said and done... i don't know what's going to happen. should i consider him, too?

i think i just may have a liiiittle problem, don't you??

HAPPY VALENTINE'S EVE!!!!!!!