Anniversaries, Resolutions, and Craziness

i remember that night that it happened.

i remember nearly everything.

i won't allow myself to forget.

there's a ♥ on my calendar.

in the zero of Nov. 20th.

you know what else happened on the 20th?

it was a different month and over a year before...

anyway, it was the day me and Will started dating.

it's weird how these things work out, isn't it?? i think so.

i don't know what my New Year's Resolution will be this year. i usually make up a few, then forget them or just disregard them, since they usually aren't things i care much about. i never keep to my resolutions, as far as i can remember.

but i want this year to be different.

i want it to mean something. i want to choose it and know i will actually stick to it. i want it to be something i actually care about. not something dumb like losing weight, or getting straight A's. it has to be something i'll care about enough to remember, to write down, to adhere to... you know?

you know what's funny? i think that last year my resolution had something to do with you. whatever it was, i'm sure i got what i wanted. absolutely positive. ironic, i think...

by this time next year, i'll be a senior in high school. i'll be nearly 18 years old! i'll be able to see rated-R movies without my rents, w00t. haha. the best part? i'll be that much closer to going to college, and moving out of this house. wow, now i'm excited. i know i can certainly last another year if i have THAT to look forward to.

sorry, back to resolutions... how about not getting in any serious trouble? no MySpace crap, no tickets, no anything like that. i think i can do it. and that's kinda a personal challenge... hmm. i need something better, though, to go along with that....... bleh, nothing's coming to me at the mo'.

now on to the 'moving on' bit of this post.

i'll tell you how it's gonna be, in case it wasn't already abundantly clear:

i know i said recently that i loved you. i know for a fact that i do-- i'm crazy about you. but here's the thing, it's too hard. it's too hard be in love with you, because you don't love me back anymore, and you don't make any effort to try. that's okay with me, i suppose, because even if you loved me back, nothing could happen, and things would remain the same as they are now; you and i both know that. but i'm tired of working my ass off to keep you close to me, to my heart. i'm always the one to start conversations, or to mention that we should hang out. i make plans, sometimes specifically so they fit around you, and you disregard them. that bothers me. at least text me and say that you can't, or just let me know somehow. show some damn respect-- i'm NOT the dirt under your feet, and i'm tired of being treated as such. even my friends have noticed, and they are becoming less and less pro-you because they don't like what they see.

i hate that you kinda tend to treat me like crap simply because you know i'll take it. i care so much about you that i'm willing to take whatever you throw at me. it's always been that way, but it needs to stop, at least to some extent, because it's getting ridiculous. i deserve to be treated better. friends don't do that to friends, and i know you know that.

maybe you'll read this and get mad at me. i almost hope you do, because then, at least, i will know you got the message. you need to climb off your high horse and realize that you are not better than me, or above being nice to me, or anything stupid like that. i'm a person too, one who cares deeply about you, and i don't appreciate you taking advantage of that.

so, i don't really know what i'm going to do about this. about you. i do like someone else, that guy i mentioned that i kissed, but i can't have him at the moment... so. i think i'm just going to attempt to detach myself from you some. when i say "detach," i don't mean that i'm going to stop talking to you, or stop wanting to hang out with you. i mean i'm going to push you aside, so i can fully like and appreciate that other guy. i know i've said that before, and i've actually been working on it, but it's a slow process... *sigh*

on second thought, i hope you read this thoroughly and completely before you decide what you think. if you get mad, attempt to see it from my side, would you? i get that it's not all about me, but it's not all about you, either. you know? understand that i'm not being overdramatic or exaggerating, but that i really mean it this time. it's hard for me to believe that you have any feelings for me at all when you treat me the way you do. basically, it hurts. and it sucks.

please, if you read this, tell me what you think.

i know you'll have an opinion, even if it's just an eye roll.

and do remember that i'm still crazy about you, no matter what.

=D