It's hard to breathe right now.

The sting of him leaving without an explanation has yet to dissipate, and I don't think it will for a while yet. I am still not quite sure how I feel about the whole thing, much less what I should do about it. The only thing that is clear to me is that I have lost something precious. I poured everything I have into a handwritten letter to him, one that I will hopefully be delivering in person tomorrow afternoon. I had initially planned to mail it, but tomorrow is my only day off for the next two weeks, and why wait?

It feels as though my heart has been ripped out, and I know I should be more angry at him for doing this to me but I simply cannot. It came out of nowhere, sure, but it's done and now I have to decide how to react. Since I have only large amounts of guesswork and small snippets of information to go on, I am left with no other choice than to do what feels right. My intuition about these sorts of things is terrible, nonexistent even, so I have to rely heavily on the opinions of others when making my decision.

I just want to wake up tomorrow to a message about how he made a mistake, and will I ever forgive him? I would say yes, absolutely, without question yes, and feel complete once more. But since I highly doubt that anything of that sort will happen, it is all up to me. I am scared, more scared than I will admit to anyone, that he will react badly, if he will even deign to talk to me at all. What if he looks out the peephole of his front door and tells me to go away, or simply ignores me? What if he sends his roommate to do his dirty work? What if he rips apart or destroys my letter in some other way without even reading it? What if he talks to me, and tells me there's another girl? What if he tells me that I have fucked up what we had beyond repair?

But what if he takes me back.