She Holds a Smile

There is nothing that scares me more than the idea of settling. You know what's crazy? Being with anyone but you feels like settling, feels like my worst nightmare. Things always go right in the beginning and I begin to think that maybe I can do it, but then after a few months the charade cracks, at first imperceptibly, and then faster and faster, until there is nothing left but my poor heart that desires nothing more than you, and I am alone once again. I "chew boys up and spit them out," as my parents like to joke, but it isn't purposeful. One day I will find someone who does not irritate me quite so much as the others, or at least someone I will be able to put up with for more than a few months.

I cannot let you go, and even if I knew it was best, I would not make any attempt to do so. You cast a spell on me early on, and I realize that your hold on me will never entirely dissipate. I will always be waiting for you. I will always be yours to some extent, even though I doubt you will ever really be mine. (Though I wish you could be.)

I'm sorry if I seem foolish or dramatic for writing about my feelings in this way. My aim in doing so is not to make you feel guilty or to change your mind or anything like that. I write because there is nothing else. There isn't anyone with whom I can have a real conversation about you anymore, not my friends, not my mom, and certainly not you yourself. I do not want to overwhelm you or worry you, if by chance you do read what I write these days. I write because I do not know what else to do with all these thoughts rushing from synapse to synapse.