I am so, so frustrated with you right now. The problem is that you don't know me well enough to know why, and that in itself is perhaps the most frustrating thing of all, because it proves that my frustration has a logical foundation. Let me explain:

Shortly after we met, I was crazy for you. You had me under your spell, and, like the stupid little girl that I was, I believed you when you said you felt the same way. I let you use me, and since then, it has been a continuing pattern. You tell me you love me and miss me only when you're not preoccupied with someone else. You tell me we should hang out then rarely follow though. It's just like that famous quote by an author I can't recall: I made you a priority when, to you, I was nothing more than an option. It's always been that way, and I am only just now beginning to see it. I hate myself for allowing you to use me so long and so well. I was blinded by my stupid, lying heart. Do I really love you? Did I ever? I can't be sure. It feels like this whole thing has been a game to you.

If I calm down and take a step back to assess, I know that I did love you, and that I love you still. But it doesn't feel real. I want it to feel real. I know we have a bond that is unconditional, a connection that runs deep. I want so badly to believe you when you tell me you love me. Please make it real. You will never run out of chances with me. I can't let you go.

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Two hours have passed, and I am still tearing myself to bits. You tell me you love me. You tell me you miss me. You seem more sincere now than you ever have, but I just can't let well enough alone, can I? I am insatiable, especially when it comes to you.

You said a few weeks ago that if you "had your shit together," you would ask me to leave him for you. I have gone back and forth with myself a million times about what I would say to such a proposition, and no matter how I reason it out, I know I would choose you. My head knows that he is probably the better, more solid option, but my heart will always choose you over everyone else. I do love you. I love you so much that it hurts. I love you so much that I over-analyze the shit out of every word that comes out your mouth. I can feign indifference for a while, but the facade always collapses in the end.

You would probably agree with me that he's the better choice. You would probably tell me he's better for me, and that you should have let me go a while ago. I want you to know with certainty, as I do, that you're wrong. I know this with every fiber of my being. I also know that you complete me, despite the fact that there are holes in our knowledge of each other. It doesn't matter in the big picture of things. We know each other more intimately, and I think that's what counts. The other stuff comes with time together, time that we have been seriously robbed of over the years due to various circumstances.

So yeah, I worry too damn much. I think too damn much. But it's only because I love you so. I hope you can understand, and forgive me for my ridiculousness today. I just can't help it.