Now on to the real thing:
David, I want to be able to explain myself to you. Honestly, I think of you as a close friend and I want nothing more than for you to understand where I'm coming from. But somehow, I think maybe the time for understanding has passed. Now it seems like we're at a sort of impasse: where I make feeble attempts to clear things up, and you just get more confused and questioning. I don't like it. I don't like that you don't automatically get this, because you just get so much else about me that a lot of people do not. I want to be able to look and you and convey everything I am thinking and feeling to you with my eyes, but alas, it doesn't work like that with us. I just want us to be on the same page.
You're right-- I don't know you all that well when I really stop to think about it. I cannot imagine what you think of me, and yes, it does matter. I care so much what you think, and while I desire your approval a lot of the time, I do not NEED it. I have never needed it. That's what I was trying to tell you today, but it came out wrong. (What a surprise.)
I love you. As a person. As a friend. And maybe even as something more than that... and I honestly don't care who knows anymore. Screw it. But please, don't worry about me. I will figure it all out somehow. We are alike in that way-- we both keep up facades much of the time that mask how much we are really suffering and worrying. Everyone suffers. Everyone has problems. And in my opinion, everything will work out eventually. So yeah, I'll be okay. You will be, too. You wait and see.
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