Past Tense

i used to be in love with this guy, Will, several long months ago.

we went out for almost 10 months, and that's an awfully long time.

we did everything together, and for a few months were inseperable.

we went on dates every weekend, sometimes multiple times per week.

we liked each other's parents, were comfortable at each other's houses.

he always drove, i controlled the radio//iPod and tickled him for laughs.

we went to the beach in summer, and to the movies on opening nights.

we played board games, and went out to eat all over the damn place.

he was one of my best friends-- i ditched my friends for him a lot.

he brought me flowers for our anniversary every single month.

then it all started going downhill, as these things tend to go.

we began to argue more, especially over dumb things.

he would get mad about my food preferences.

i got mad about his obsession with PDA.

we stopped being cute and friendly.

it became a chore to keep smiling.

we joked//laughed less and less.

he got suspicious of my feelings.

or supposed lack thereof...

so i ended things in July.

it was on the beach.

he cried; i felt bad.

he was bitter;

resentful;

still is.

he and i are done; for good. my mom asked me if i thought i might ever consider going out with him again. i said no, and now i know that that 'no' is more like an 'absolutely NOT.' he cried on my shoulder, and clung to me in public, which he knew freaked me out. he got jealous of me having other male friends, and eventually i had had enough. so i let him go.

at first it was fine; sad, but fine. then he sent me The Email. it was one he had written after i broke up with him for the first time (in February); one that i had never seen. it was sad, but a bit pathetic, begging me to reconsider. there were even 'options' at the end, detailing possible responses i could have. i think i flat out laughed when i saw those, because i honestly felt bad about how much pride he was willing to relinquish to list options for me to consider.

anyway, i wrote him a response. it was friendly but detached, letting him know we were done in the nicest possible way. i wasn't mean, because i saw no reason to be. after all, i had loved him at one point. it's just that most of the love was gone towards the end...

he hever wrote me back. however, he did start telling anyone who would listen how cold and heartless i was. seriously, anyone who had the bad judgement to ask him how he was doing received a long, drawn-out reply bashing me and my so-called 'cold heart.' i read all this with my own two eyes, and others read it as well-- i'm really not exaggerating. it was stupid and immature. then he started spreading false rumors. yes, rumors! ones that led people to believe i had cheated on him or something. i can't believe he would stoop that low... how ridiculous.

i suppose i'm talking about Will because Valentine's Day is this week. last year was the first year ever that I had a valentine, and i'm not sorry to saw that this year is valentineless. i'm perfectly okay with it, though a little nostalgic. even though things weren't so great towards the end of our relationship, the majority of it made me happy. he was my first boyfriend, and first real love (since he, you know, actually loved me back, haha). the truth is that he changed my life for the better, and i know i won't ever forget him.

i wonder if he still reads this blog. i'm willing to bet that he does, because he could have easily looked it up, since he had direct quotes from it to search for on Google or whatever. however, there's also the opposite idea-- that he doesn't read it on purpose so he won't have to remember or think about me. eh, you never know. but hey will: if you're reading this right now, know that i'm grateful to you for how you changed my life, and am thinking of you this week.

i just remembered something: after we broke up in July, Will had nose surgery. when he was at home recovering, my mom and i brought him some Rita's italian ice. it was a flavor i knew he liked in a big tub, and he appreciated the gesture, even though he couldn't taste it for a while. what's weird is that he was surprised. he was surprised that i would do something so nice for him... so while his mom and mine chatted in another room, i talked to him. i told him how i was doing, and tried to fill the empty air with useless words so he wouldn't have to in his state. he managed to tell me i looked beautiful, and i held his hands and i entertained him with tales of dance camp and weekends with my besties. he laughed in all the right places, and i was barely able to look him in the eyes as i stroked his chapped hands. i was thinking how sorry i was that i had made him so miserable, and in some small way regretting having ended it.

looking back, i realize how different i have become. i'm not as nice as i used to be. i used to care more about other people, and lately i have been caring less and less. sure, i care about those i love, but what about everyone else? i just... i don't like the fact that i've become so bitter and sort of selfish. i need to change, and seeing that memory in writing reinforces my resolve. i will change, because i miss the person i used to be. i know i can't completely revert to the Kenna of the past, and i wouldn't want to in some aspects. i just need to recapture that sweetness and capacity to care so much about others. ♥