Longest Post EVER

I'm so happy right now. Really and truly.

[Buckle your seatbelt for a long ass post.]

I am in LOVE with Miss Fletcher. It's so fun. I've gotten to know every single one of those girls better, except maybe Jenna, because I already know her. There's something great about each of them. The best part of this whole experience so far has seriously been meeting all these girls. Sure, I knew who they were, and I've talked with a few of them before, but this is different. This is up close and personal. This is in your face. It's all about who you really are, and I love that.

I may sound cheesy, but I mean it. You dance with these girls, eat loads of absolute crap with them, get nervous and excited with them... and it draws you closer to them in previously unfathomable ways. Yesterday was a big step in the getting to know each other process: waiting for the interviews. We were all nervous-- I don't think anyone was 100% confident. We asked each other questions and cheered everyone on when it was their turn. I just... I'm girly, I guess. I've always had more girl friends than guys, and that's the way I like it. I love being gossipy and just bubbly with people. I'm chatty, what can I say? [Can't you tell? Haha.]

Probably my favorite part of this whole comraderie thing is having twenty-six cheerleaders. We are all there for each other. We compliment and 'ohh' and 'aww' appropriately. We're just generally nice and cheerful. It's fun to see any of them in the halls. We say 'hi' and people sometimes stare. Did I mention that all clique lines are basically erased? I know things won't stay that way, but it's nice to be able to talk to whoever you want without being judged.

Maybe I'm too caught up in the cliquey-ness of high school. I've been thinking this for a while now, ever since I've seen how truly easy it is to simply cross the lines like they aren't there. I guess I am a bit caught up in it... but I think those lines DO exist, and that people should not pretend otherwise. Come ON. Don't be daft. The lines are there.

My mom says I care too much what other people think. Eh, I think she's basically right about that. However, I mostly just care what the people I love and care about think, since those are the people who matter. [Right?] At least I think so. But I don't see how people can go through life without caring what anyone else in the world thinks. What about parents? Friends? Loversss? Haha, lovers. It's fun to put it that way...

Oh, speaking of lovers... I want one. I want one, but at the same time I don't... is that so hard to understand? I want a best friend. Who I can kiss. Hahahaha. But I mean it! It was weird in the beginning of Will and I's relationship... since our first date ever was Homecoming. Dancing with him was, ahem, interesting... Anyway, it just happened so quickly after that. He asked me to be his girlfriend, and suddenly we were together. We didn't really know each other well at all. In fact, we had had only a few actual conversations before that. I just... I dunno. I think that maybe one of the reasons why he and I didn't work out so well was because we skipped the friends part. I now am a firm believer in the "let's be friends first" theory, and I have witnessed its miracles. It just makes more sense, you know? Why date someone you don't know?

David didn't get that, I don't think. He didn't get that when I said no to him, it honestly wasn't a flat-out rejection. It was a "let's get to know each other better first." I did like him, and I really did want to get to know him better. I can develop friendships with people pretty quickly, but the ones that last are the ones that take longer to cultivate. That's the way I wanted it to be with him: we talk more, hang out more, and la tee da-- we date after we're better friends. But now I think it's too late... though I also think I am okay with that. He would have been a good boyfriend: nice and funny and sweet. It's just... he and I are so different. He's as loud at first as I am shy, as unself-conscious as I am self-aware. I don't know, it's hard to explain, but somehow I think that if Christie reads this she will understand what I mean. It took him a while to understand my humor... and he was shocked at the fact that I cuss on a fairly regular basis. He just didn't get me, and I think he thought he did... and that's not what I need. Ugh.

You know what I need? I need someone who knows I am not made out of glass. I am not a wimpy, fragile girl who can't handle a little teasing. I actually would love it if someone would tease me or make fun of me in a flirty way. Why don't guys do that anymore? Haha. I don't mind being pushed around some. I am [more than] willing to follow someone else's lead. That's really what I prefer. [Will never understood that one...] I can see myself being cornered against the lockers by the arm of some flirty guy, who is alternately having a playful bantery sort of thing with me and kissing me. Aww.

Sorry, I am being awfully rambley today. I can't help it. This is me: =D.

Guess what? I got into NHS today. Yay!

Jenna just called. She's going to the One Act tonight. I wish I could go! Lizzie's in it. And Allie's a techie! Haha. Damn grounding, damn it all. Bleghhhh. I am stuck here at home with nothing to do. Even my parents are out having more fun than me! It's sad, really. >.<

Mannnnn I really wanna go. I haven't seen Lizzaboo or Alsiiiin all dayyy. [And that's too long to go without those bitches. I looove themm, and had stuff to tell them.] At least I got to talk with Stacey! Oh, Stacey!! She's going to have a fun weekend... God I'm so jealous of that girl.

Hahahahaha, I just remembered what Ryan said about me possibly dating David: "That would be social suicide." I love that boy. [Even if he hates meee. =P] Hey boy heyyyyy. ♥

What I reaalllllyyy wanna do right now is watch me some Grey's Anatomy. Well, or Private Practice. Beggars can't be choosers. That would be AWESOME. Mmm. [Even reruns.]

I also really want to upload pictures from my camera. I have some from New Years and such, plus possible candidates for my profile picture. Haha, I'm a dork, I know.

I think I'm just gonna go watch Grey's reruns. Or maybe some CSI. Possibly a DVD...? Haha, I can't makeup my mind! But I can't sit here all night... [waiting for you.] I want to, but alas. I'll suffice with simply thinking about you.

Butttttt two more things before I go:

First off, I have had so much time to think about friends that I realized how much I love my best friends. Being without them is like waking up one morning to see that the sky is hot pink-- startling and too hard to digest. I miss them so much... And I was also thinking about how much I miss being close to old best friends. I used to be super close with Jenna, but I know we are so radically different in nearly every way that I can accept being just good good friends with her. Christie... you and I used to be BEST friends. I know we've already talked about this, but I miss it. I know we were a triangle, you and me and Chelsea, but I'll tell you a secret-- I always loved you a little bit more. Maybe it's because you and I were, well, still are, more alike than she and I. To me it seemed like we were two halves of a whole, and Chelsea was just a little something extra. I don't know how to say it right [^^^], but again, I think you know what I mean. Now though, things are different. You and I drifted, so Lizzie and Allie took your place. Pam is there too, she always has been, as has Tori, and Stacey is there now, too. Chelsea is still there to some extent, since she won't stop holding a grudge against me for something I didn't do, but whatever... And you are also there to some extent as well, because friendships like that don't just disappear into think air. I know it's sad and you probably don't like remembering it, but the other day I thought about the night your dog died. It was so heartwrenching, and I recall that that was the first time I had really ever cried for someone else's loss, because it hurt me to see you like that. Later, after you had left us, Chelsea and I cried together when she was angry with her mom. That's when I realized that you were well and truly gone, and that she had sort of slid into the space you left behind. I'm sorry, that sounds accusatory, but I don't mean it that way at all. What I mean is not that you just "left" us, but that we drifted, and to this day I can't say why... Anyway, sorry I went wayyy off on a tangent. I think my point was that I miss my best friends. ♥♥

Second... wow. I completely forgot my second point..... Ohh. The omens... I don't want to talk about them, nevermind. I'll tell YOU, yes, you, if thing turn out badly. I will, I promise it here and now: I WILL TELL YOU if things do not go as planned, if the omens I have psyched myself into seeing really do mean the worst... I will. I promise, dear.

Okay, now I'm really going.

To watch something, anything.

Just not this computer screen.

[OMG I started writing this at 5:43 PM.]

Hahahahahahahaha.

P.S. Different colors tend to seperate thoughts...

I thought I'd complicate things a bit more.

I went uppp and downn the color palette.

Can you tell??

♠♠♠♠♠♠

Wait, I have something else to say. It's concerning best friends and true friends, which as I know aren't always the same thing... Hmmph.

You know what I think of when I think of best friends? I think of who I would give my life for. I think of who I would run into a burning building to rescue, even if it meant giving up my own life. I think of flying bullets and car crashes and having one parachute instead of two. I know it's morbid, but that's just the way I think about it, because that's what it all boils down to: who you love to that extent that never ends and therefore is stretched endlessly into time and space.

I'm not so bouncy and beaming anymore, because I'm thinking about them again; about how much I miss and love them. Them? Yeah: Allie Lizzie Pam Stacey Jenna Chelsea Ash Tori Lysee Swaney Michael Devon Chris Ryan Lauren Sarah Megan Tyler Kurt Christie David Heather Millie... the list seems to be missing someone... I'm sure that list isn't complete, and it's kinda weird to name people I would give everything for, but I mean it. That list is by no means in any particular order, it's just the order I thought of first. But, really, am I just being stupid?? I probably shouldn't think of such things.....

Oh, of course. I know three people right off the top of my head who are missing: Mom. Dad. YOU. [Did you know I care that much about you?] Other family members are included also, obviously, and I'm too lazy to name them all. You know who else makes the cut? Will does. You don't have to understand why-- that's just the way it is.

Okay, I'm SERIOUSLY leaving now. Promise.