Growing Up

so i'm trying this new thing. it's called standing up for myself.

i did it yesterday for the first time. i told them how i really felt, because they deserved to know how hurt i was by their disloyalty. i realize now that things like that happen to me a lot-- i feel a burning anger in the pit of my stomach, but i do nothing about it. well, things aren't going to be like that anymore. i'm tired of being so mellow all the time.
i should probably explain myself: lizzie and allie were at allie's, watching Buffy and hanging out, whatever. anyway, i wasn't allowed to go out, but my parents told me i could have the two of them spend the night at my house. of course, when i called allie in tears and told her about my parents' offer, she and lizzie told me simply that they loved me, but were to scared to come over here. i said okay, and attempted to muffle my sniffling. i hung up the phone and proceeded to cry until my eyes were swollen and my face was beet red.
when my mom came upstairs from doing laundry, she handed me a box of tissues, hugged me, and told me that they were stupid. she said they were stupid for leaving me home by myself even though they knew exactly how miserable i felt. "if i knew Aunt Nancy Bell (her best friend) was as miserable as you are right now, i would drop everything and drive up to North Carolina just to sit with her," she said. and it struck me then that she was right. best friends don't do that to each other. if i needed them, they should have jumped up and come for me, but they didn't. what does that say about them? she told me that maybe i should think about whether or not these friends were my true ones. she claimed that my loyalty to them was blind, because didn't i realize that they are more loyal to each other than they are to me? "they have fun without you, and say, 'gee, too bad Kenna can't be here,' but i don't see them here with you," she said. she and i both know that if one of them felt as crappy as i did, i would go to them, no questions asked, and cry with them, hold them, and be whatever they needed me to be.
"growing up is hard," my mom whispered into my hair as she held me close, and goddammit, she's right. it sucks. i was mad at them after my mom said those things to me, because i realized that that was how i really felt. i absolutely would have been there for them, but they were content to miss me and do nothing? fucking no. allie texted me, telling me again that they loved me, and i told her how i felt. i told her that if either of them felt as bad as i did, i would be there immediately, and i told her flat out that i was mad. shortly after that, she wrote me back, saying they were sorry they were crappy friends, they didn't realize how badly i needed them, and could they still come over? i let them, but i almost said no, i was that pissed. things were fine, and we had a pretty good time, but it was slightly tense. they never apologized to my face, and i won't forget that, because they should have. things won't be the same until they realize that i was right to be mad-- i think they went along with it, but didn't necessarily agree. one day they'll need ME, and they'll understand... i still love them, because even though they're dumb, they're my best friends.