Insouciante: Lovestoned, Part II

well, i don't really know how i feel about things right now.

i'm kinda in an incurable state of indecision.

greaat.

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agh, okay, i'll explain what the eff i was talking about in my last two posts:

i noticed an important change in the life of someone.

i asked said someone what exactly was going on.

and, well, he told me. and i didn't like it much.

because it meant that i had to change, too.

...am i making any sense?

i don't know who reads this, if anyone, and there is one person that i absolutely do NOT want to know what i am talking about. i don't think he could figure it out anyway, but i'm not gonna make it an easier.

so, anyways.

i had to put aside my feelings.

for that someone's happiness and well-being, of course.

and to be frank, it sucks.

for me, anyway.

i wonder if it sucks for him, too...?

i wish he could let me know somehow.

there are so many ways.

maybe he'll read this, and know that i'm thinking of him.

i know, i know!

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in case he does read this, here's what i need to say:

i don't want you to think that i'm immature or needy or ridiculous for wanting to be with you. i want you to know that i'll abide by your wishes, and stay away from you and her, though i certainly won't like it, not one bit. i want you to know that i miss you, though i won't tell you that, because i don't want you to feel obligated to say it back (because you aren't). i want you to know that i still care about you, and that i will continue to do so. i won't evade dating other people to wait for you, but i won't forget about you, no matter what, and i don't want you to forget about me. when things end with her, as they inevitably will eventually (as relationships go, unless you marry her), i'll still be here. while we go our separate ways for a while, i still wanna be your friend. i know we won't talk as often, or the same as we did, but i'd like us to still talk, you know? even every once in a while is okay with me. all the more complicated stuff aside, you are one of my really good friends, and i don't want that to change. most of all, i absolutely don't want you to look down upon me for writing this message to you. many of my friends have told me that you aren't good enough for me, that you didn't(/don't?) really care about me, and that you're an asshole for doing this to me. i don't believe any of that, because i understand, and i think that you and i have an understanding.

you once told me that you just didn't give a rat's ass what people thought anymore, and i wonder if that still holds true. because, you know what? it's true more than ever for me.

a few weeks ago, before all this happened, my mom asked me if i loved anything enough to cause me to be completely free and myself. i said no without really thinking about it. but when i finally got around to thinking about it, i found that it wasn't very hard: and i thought about you.

i meant it when i said i was crazy about you.

but you knew that.