Focus

When I first made this blog, I thought I would use it as a sort of journal. As I read back through my previous posts, I realize that this isn't a journal at all. It's more of just... random thoughts. And I like it better that way, I think. What random person wants to read about my day? My days aren't all that exciting, especially now that school has started (eew), and I don't really remember too many details about them anyway, unless they're important. Those are the only ones that really matter, right?

Will never understood that, my distinctions between important and not. I suppose I don't define them, I just know the difference automatically. Is it a crime to not be concerned with such trivial things as what I had for breakfast?? I think not.

You know, now that I think about it, I don't know who reads this, not really. Will used to, but that was before I changed my URL. (If by chance he found this again, I want him to know that I only changed it so as to protect him from the details of my mind that he may not want to hear, and may not understand. We never though alike, he and I...) Other than that, I think my cousin Heather might know about this blog, and may glance over it every once in a while, though I don't really know. She has one, too, and I read hers occasionally, just to keep up with the things she doesn't say. Maybe she does that for me, I dunno. Hmm... there was, I think, one other person who had the URL, though since I changed it, I don't know if that person still reads it. Meh, I might let other people know about it, but I don't really see the point, since it's not a gossip rag or an exciting play-by-play of a relationship or anything. Whateverrr.

I'm not sure if I have any weird, crazy, or otherwise interesting thoughts to peruse today... I should, seeing as I always do.... hmmm.

Oh!! I forgot.

About that rumor I mentioned in my last post...

Yeah, it was a load of crap.

However, as happy as that makes me, it worries me that someone would make up something like that.

I have an idea. A note, just in case the perpetrator reads this:

I absolutely cannot believe that you would make up shit like that. You flat out lied, and that's the long and short of it, and such behavior, especially from you, disappoints me. I know I'm not your mother, and that scolding you will do no good, and hey, I know that I've lied to you before. But, you know what? That gives you no excuse to spread rumors like that. You've been telling all your friends how mean I am, how I ripped you apart with my cruel words, and when they say things about me being a cold, heartless bitch, you don't stick up for me. I know that I'm not always the nicest person in the world, but I was nice to you. I wrote you a nice, diplomaticly written email to try to curb your crazy paranoia, but, as usual, you interpreted it wrong and heard all the things I didn't say. Why do you have to do that? Picking apart my words will not leave you with a greater meaning, but rather, will leave you only more confused. I was plain in my message: it's been fun, but now we're done, and for that I'm sorry. Why couldn't you just see that?!

You need to be set straight in what you tell people and what you yourself think: I wasn't lying when I said I was happy in the first and last few months of our relationship. As July came around, I was starting to get over you, and I knew it, and I think you might've, too. Squeezing me closer to you was not the answer-- I only drew away further, seeking solace in the form of my friends, rather than you. All the things that I used to love about you were now repelling me, and I came to the point where I didn't want to try to change my feelings anymore-- it was just too hard. I did try to fix things between us, I really did, but it took such a toll on me, that I got tired of being the only one working. You can say that you tried harder than me, that you loved me 100% the entire time, but I will tell you that you're wrong on both counts. You began to question me too harshly, and judge my decisions and thoughts without even trying to see things my way. I think you loved the idea of me-- you saw me as this girl with no flaws, a girl that I am not and never will be-- and I couldn't live up to your expectations, and this frustrated you endlessly. You loved the idea of us-- you thought we had the perfect relationship, open and loving and caring and all that jazz-- and stopped looking at the reality of what we actually were. You began to complain about how I neglected you, about some of my little habits and ways (that only bothered you, I might add), and you became paranoid about my feelings for you.

I think that your constant state of paranoia was what really pushed me over the edge. I can't have my boyfriend calling my friends to try to get them to tell him what's going on in our relationship-- that's just plain stupid. To me, all that showed was immaturity, to be frank, and my friends certainly did not appreciate your awkward, teary phonecalls. My friends, being my friends, didn't really tell you anything, but all the best ones knew what was going on with us, the good and the bad, the entire time. You stopped doing that, as far as I know, until recently. Why you called my best friend over three weeks after we broke up is beyond me. Needless to say, she called me and told me everything she could remember that was said, including the rumor crap. But, I've already put my two cents in about that...

All in all, I'm sorry things had to end, I really am, but I think it was for the best. I'm sorry that you're hurt, and what I ultimately want is for you to move on with your life. Again, I think it would be best.

a little something before i go:

I should be out in that driveway stopping you,

tears should be rolling down my cheek.

And I don't know why I'm not falling apart,

like I usually do,

and how the thought of losing you's not killing me.

I feel bad...

that I can stand here strong,

cold as stone,

seems so wrong,

I can't explain it.

Maybe it's just,

I've cried so much,

I'm tired and I'm numb--

baby I hate it.

I feel bad that I don't feel bad.

I can let myself be angry over wasted time,

and sad about just throwing love away.

Yeah I almost wish my heart was breaking.

but I can't lie--

all I want to do is turn the page.

I feel bad...

that I can stand here strong,

cold as stone,

Seems so wrong,

I can't explain it.

Maybe it's just,

I've cried so much,

I'm tired and I'm numb,

baby I hate it.

I feel bad...

that I don't feel bitter, alone,

I just feel it's time,

its time to move on,

I just gotta move on and on and on...

Yeah.

Baby it's just,

I've cried so much,

I'm tired and I'm numb,

baby I hate it,

I feel bad that I don't feel bad,

no, I don't feel bad...