I'll start with ballet:
A whooole bunch of Florida Ballet Training Center kids have been chosen to go to Grande Prix this year. Pretty much, that means that each kid will learn a variation from a list of possible choices, perform it infront of a massive audience and some judges, and then be judged based on their ability in comparison with others in their age group. Technique, artistry, etc. are judged. They start learning their variations in one-on-one coaching sessions with Mrs. Byrd early in the year, usually in August or so, so that they will have it perfect by the Prix in February. Last year, the Prix kids performed their variations (did I mention that they each have two: a ballet one and a modern/contemporary one?) infront of a small group of parents/families and other Trainees before they actually competed. I must say, each person really outdid themselves, and I was (and still am) proud to be able to say that I took classes with the fantastic dancers.
This year, Mrs. Byrd is taking more kids than last year-- she's taking nearly all the Training Center kids, and even some who aren't with us! Shocking, honestly. But guess who is among the people she's NOT taking?? Oh, moi. Truthfully, yeah, I'm jealous of those who are going. But, on the other hand, I know I'll be busy with school and all and would have to be downtown so much mroe often and for longer than I would normally if I were going... but I can't even pretend like I don't care. I do. Enormously so. I'm still holding out hope that she has yet to tell me that she's taking me... maybe she's waiting to see how much more I improve over the summer? I don't know, but I really really hope it's something along those lines that's holding her back. She knows I could step it up if I were competing, and I'm not afraid to try hard to push myself to the limit. My problem, though? I'm lazy. Some days I'm so tired that I physically can't be my best. And, more honesty? I just don't care as much as I used to. I love ballet and pointe and I'm even partial to modern these days, but there are seriously more important things going on in my life-- things that preoccupy me often and things that tear me away from dancing to my full ability. I don't really practice at home, not on our wood floors (that's my excuse, anyway). I try to heed the comments and corrections I get, but sometimes I just forget.
What should I do to fix all this? What I'm trying to work on now is to have a better attitude-- to be more open to changing and perfecting as I need to, to believe I can do things that are harder for me if I just try. Also, I'm trying to focus on making myself really feel music, to be able to count it and understand it's rhythm, to be able to detect the mood and how I should move appropriately. I've been putting more effort into remembering combinations recently, both at barre and in the center. Knowing them is essential to really capturing the dance in the way that the teacher wants, I think, so I'm doing my best (when I'm not talking... heehee).
On to everything else:
I feel almost like I'm wasting my time. Doing this, being that. It makes me laugh out loud as I accept that I am soo fake to some people. It's hard to be myself when I'm with people I don't know so well. With my besties? No problem-- they all know me for the retarded, spastic, yet smart girl that I am. They know that I embrace sarcasm, love indivuality, and am possibly the klutziest person in the universe (did I mention that exaggeration is absolutely fabulous? =P). I'm the girl who listens to music, reads books, and watches movies to find meaning in life. Those who know me best know that, and respect it (even if some of them don't really understand it), and that's why I love them.
I'm not gonna explain about who and how I am again, that would be far too tedious for my liking. However, being the way that I am, hellbent on finding meaning in so many things, I tend to be careful about what I say to certain people. Sometimes, I don't wanna say too much and sound like a blubbering idiot, and sometimes I don't wanna stop talking, for fear of a bad reaction. I'm more into... understanding between friends, you know? Passing glances with a little extra behind them.. that sort of thing. I absolutely love it when friends can just look at each other and have a conversation with their eyes. [6:23 pm]
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HOLD THE PHONE.
kenna has had an epiphany.
You know how everyone says to wait for sex until you're really in love with someone, if not married? It just hit me how important and true that really is. I mean, I've always known that it's a good idea to wait at least for love, but it just hit me how many people flagrantly disregard that. People have sex because they want to get it over with, they want to experience it, or they want a little pleasure. But how many people do it because they really love someone? Not many, and that fact makes me sad. It just hit me that love is stomped all over by people who have so called more important things to care about, but in all seriousness, what is more important than love?
This epiphany is stifling me, troubling me more than I thought possible.
Breathe.
Breathe.
"Love is a many splendored thing. All you need is love!"
--Moulin Rouge
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